009: Don’t Do the Camino de Santiago With Someone Just Because You Love Them
What to talk about before you lace up your shoes and tie your journey to someone else.
If asked my opinion, I always say to do your first Camino alone. However, if you’ve already determined you’ll be going with someone else, my advice is this:
Only do the Camino with someone who wants to go — and who wants to go with you.
Misconception #1:
“Well, of course they want to go with me! We always travel together!”
Are you assuming, or did they actually say so? The Camino isn’t like taking a cruise or touring European capitals. For most, it’s a deeply personal experience unlike anything else.
So no, don’t assume that just because you travel with someone all the time, you should do the Camino together.
Misconception #2:
“But it will be such a great experience! I want my sister/friend/spouse/child to experience it!”
We all want wonderful things for the people we love. But don’t force your idea of a “wonderful thing” on anyone else.
Maybe they would get a lot out of it. But don’t expect this to be a “fix your life by walking 100 miles (or more)” type of experience. It could be transformative. Or it may not be—or at least not in the way you expect.
Just trust me on this one:
Don’t bring someone on the Camino because you want them to get “something” out of it.
Misconception #3:
“I’ve never heard of the Camino, but my friend/partner/sibling wants me to go with them and I feel like I should.”
As my friend Lynne says, “Don’t should on yourself.”
Do the research. See if it’s something you really want to do. If not, say so.
Don’t get me wrong—you can be unsure about what the Camino is, about your ability to do the Camino. You can be nervous about bedbugs, where you’ll sleep, what you’ll eat. All of those things can be researched and addressed.
But if the Camino is truly not something you want to do? Speak up now.
If You're Still Both In, Talk About These 7 Things
Now that you and your travel partner are on the same page, be sure you address the following long before you step foot on the trail:
1. Early bird or slow riser?
I’ve met more than one pair on Camino who split up after realizing one prefers to sleep in and the other prefers an early start.
Ask each other:
What time do you ideally want to start walking?
Are you okay splitting up and meeting later in the day? If so, where and when do you want to meet again—at a specific place during the day’s walk, at the evening’s accommodation? Or just keep in touch via WhatsApp to find each other again?
2. To walk together, or not to walk together…?
Some people expect to walk side by side every step of the way. Others need their own rhythm and space to feel at peace. Though I’m perfectly capable of walking an “average” of 3 miles per hour, on the Camino it drops to two—mainly because 1) I’m super slow on hills 2) I love taking pictures and 3) I stop to take long breaks over coffee and tortilla with newfound friends.
Ask each other:
Do we expect to walk every moment together?
Is it okay if one of us walks ahead or lags behind? How far ahead or behind is agreeable? E.g. within sight, miles ahead?
How will we find each other if we get separated? Will we agree on a location to meet? Use WhatsApp to communicate?
3. What if one of us gets hurt?
Blisters, tendinitis, or even just a bad cold—injuries and setbacks happen.
When my friend Lois and I arrived in France to start our Camino together, she had a knee injury. We were able to get her the help she needed and I was able to walk the first two days on my own—after setting her up with a taxi to our next accommodation each night. We’d meet and share our stories, happy that the other got what they needed that day.
Working around and with injuries and illnesses is easier if you’ve thought about this ahead of time.
Ask each other:
What happens if one of us can’t walk for a few days?
Are we okay with one continuing on and the other bussing/taxi-ing ahead?
Will we wait for each other or meet up later?
4. Budget talk
Are you staying in the best hotels or sticking to cheaper pensions and hostals? One of you might be dreaming of large meals out every afternoon and evening; the other is counting every euro.
Ask each other:
What’s your daily budget?
Are we sharing accommodations/meals or paying separately?
How often do you want to eat out vs. picnic? (*Note: the menu del día at lunchtime is the best deal in Spain—especially during the week. I’ll write more on this in another post.)
5. Together time vs. alone time
Even the best of friends need space. (Yes, even the extroverts!) Some pilgrims love deep talks; others want to quietly listen to the crunch of gravel underfoot.
Ask each other:
Do you need alone time to recharge? During the day’s walk? After it?
How much social time feels good for you? Do you expect us to eat all meals together or be on our own if we so desire?
Is it okay to walk in silence sometimes?
6. Planning styles and flexibility
Some folks have every night booked; others want to wing it. If one of you is a planner and the other is a “let’s see where we end up” type, that can cause friction.
Ask each other:
How much planning do you like to do in advance?
Are you open to changing plans if we feel like it?
What’s your comfort level with uncertainty?
7. Why are we walking this Camino?
Everyone walks for a reason—spiritual, physical, reflective, adventurous. Understanding why you’re doing it helps you be more empathetic to each other.
Ask each other:
What’s drawing you to the Camino?
Is there anything you hope to get out of this?
Are you looking for deep reflection or more of a fun adventure?
The Camino has a way of showing you who you are—and who others are, too. Sometimes walking together reveals how strong your connection is. Other times, it reveals where you need space.
Walk kindly. Communicate often. And remember: most pilgrim meltdowns can be solved with water, a snack, or a shady bench. I speak from experience. (Or, as my husband would say, extensive experience.)
Love,
Rebecca
For those of you that choose to walk the Camino alone or are wondering about doing so, check out my earlier post on this topic:
What I’m Reading:
I’m headed off on a different kind of adventure this summer (not “instead of” but “in addition to” by Camino adventures). My husband and I are going to bike 150 miles on the Canal du Garonne — from Bordeaux to Moissac in France. So my reading lately has been focused on the guidebook I got this week for the trip.
What trips are you planning? I’d love to hear!
Ready to start planning your Camino?
Rebecca Weston is an American who walked her first Camino in 2012.
She helps people 45 and over plan their own walks on the Camino de Santiago through her business The Camino Calls.
She and her husband live in Spain in a town of 6500 people on the Camino del Norte. She’s walked more than a dozen Caminos, spent many days volunteering along the trail, and if she’s not walking one now, she’s planning the next—and would love nothing more than to help you plan yours, too.
Great post. You are a remarkable teacher, guide…organized, thoughtful, experienced.
Nice article. Looking forward to walking with you and ahead of you again. Love Dad